Self Destruction at its Best

Originally written February 2007

I am self destruction at its best.

I don't fear the hot blood that trails down my arms like crimson rivers.
     I embrace them.

Just as your love gave me my life, your betrayal will now take it away.

I never knew happiness as overwhelming as your love could exist in a world that looks so cold.
     I was wrong.
For once I was able to face the sun and feel her warmth as comfort.  Not a burning pain that threatened to kill me for daring to hope.
It was you that sheltered me when it stormed, you that danced with me in the soft rain.
Your embrace kept me safe from all that dared to harm me.

But just as the stars eventually fade, it seems we were at our end.

Your hug no longer comforted, but began to strangle, to choke, to steal the very life you gave me.
You didn't even try to shelter me, instead you forced me out into the cold.
You laughed as the sun became once again evil, cackling harshly at my dreams before burning the paper that held them.
With not a glance back, you left me stranded.
     Alone in the middle of nowhere.
My chest is nothing but a hollow cavity where a heart used to reside.
     A heart that you had fed, had taught to work as it should.
But you've taken it all away.
My world has been turned inside out.  Confusion overwhelms me, until I know the truth.
     No, you were never my friend, never my lover.

I have only one true companion in this existance you call life.
My shiny silver drug that will stop all the pain I feel and protect me from future harm.

I smile as the blade breaks through the dam, releasing the warm, crimson flood.
My pain is connected to these rivers.  
     Fed by these rivers.
When they run dry, so will my pain, I will never feel again.

Darkness looms over me, but I am not afraid.
     This isn't the usual fear inducing blackness that comes when I close my eyes.
No, this is the cool silkiness of a night sky.  
     The velvet touch of numbness that I've been searching for.
My head rests gently upon my pillow and my eyes flutter closed.
All feeling is gone, all reasonable thought has fled.

Do you even care that you drove me to this?  It doesn't matter now, there is no saving me.
     I am gone.

You are self destruction at its best.