Someone... Someday...

Originally written very early in the morning on June 4, 2007

The nights we spent together lying underneath a sky of sparkling dark blue. They were the best of my days even if they didn't last as long as I wanted.

Too quickly the stars faded from our vision.

Too quickly the leaves turned to mark the coming of cooler days and even cooler nights.

Too quickly it was too cold to lie outside and just be.

I thought I would always love the coming of summer days.

At the time I couldn't wait for the warm April rains.

I wanted to sit outside with you as the raindrops fell down to earth.

I wanted to feel the cool drops falling upon my skin.

I wanted to kiss them from your lips.

But I never got the chance.

Before the winter snows had melted you said it was through.

Before the robins returned and the green grass was once again vibrant, it was over.  We were together no more.

For a while I mourned, then I just dealt.  

I didn't really feel anything.

Broken hearted as I was, I knew I would always have those memories to look back on.

But now...now I'm filled with turbulent emotions more violent than the winter storms that kept us from seeing each other before the end.

I'm filled with severe loneliness.

Or perhaps I'm completely void.  Empty inside with no one special in my life.

I'm not sure which description is more accurate.

I just know that in a sense, I hate you.

But no, that isn't right either.  Hate is just too strong.

I guess I'm just angry that the night has turned its back on me.

It no longer offers a comforting hand to hold.

Instead it crawls deep inside of me, searching out those happy feelings I'm trying desperately to hold onto, and takes them from me.

Turning them against me.

Now when I sit outside and watch the night sky all I feel is pain.

Pain because I don't have anyone to share it with.  No one to lie next to me.  

It makes me feel insignificant and small.  

And I wonder...do you feel the same?  

Do you look at the stars and wish you had someone there with you?

I guess it doesn't really matter to me.  I've already been damaged.

No, damaged isn't the right word, it's just the first that comes to mind.

I guess broken would be a better term, as in broken hearted.

You made me the happiest I've ever been in my life.

And then you dropped me off the edge of a cliff, letting me fall as my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces upon impact.

It's going to take a lot of time to gather them all and piece them back together.

Which makes me wonder...would I take it all back?

Would I erase the memories I have to prevent the heartbreak?   

Honestly, I don't know.

Yes, I've given it some thought and here's what I've come up with:

If I erase everything, if I could change that one event that led us to meeting, then I would have never known love.  

I wouldn't know what it's like to fall asleep and then awake with a smile on my face.

I wouldn't know what it feels like to fall asleep in the arms of someone who always knew how to put a smile on my face.

I wouldn't know what it's like to feel my cheeks redden, not from embarrassment, but from hearing someone tell me I'm beautiful and knowing that they meant it.

I wouldn't know what it's like to be able to reminisce about something as silly as childhood toys and TV shows and somehow feel like it's the most intimate thing in the world.

I wouldn't know what it's like to stay up until the sun rose, talking about nothing at all, yet somehow everything important.

I wouldn't know what it's like to hear a song that instantly makes me think of you. Or to know that if we're apart that same song can make me feel like we're in the same room.

I wouldn't know what its like to smile for no apparent reason, just because something in passing reminded me of you.

I wouldn't know what it's like to tell someone my every little secret -- To want to tell my every little secret.

I just wouldn't know.

And I guess that's kind of the point.  

If I could change that one small event to prevent myself from ever knowing those things and therefore protecting myself from going through the pain of not having them...

...I wouldn't.

I just…couldn’t.

Everyone has to deal with heartbreak sometime in their life.

And I guess I’m just glad the one that broke my heart was you.

In any other circumstance we would have stayed friends like you wanted.

But at the moment, my fractured heart is still bleeding.

Even if very little, it’s still enough to make being around you hurt more than I can bear.

Even seeing your name online makes my stomach do flip-flops and my heart do jumping jacks.

It’s just too soon for friendship, but I want to thank you.

You helped me become more comfortable with myself and made me realize that I am beautiful.

I know that someday I’ll find someone who thinks the same.

Just like I hope someday to once again call you a friend.

Someone…someday.